Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Stressed
I think that basically defines every facet of my life right now. That and "falling apart". Both work very well. So I did terribly today. But then again that would be my own fault for not studying better. I just couldn't concentrate. Not on studying, and not on writing. God, it was all I could do to refrain from saturating my paper with my crying. Yup, Mare broke her cardinal rule and started crying during the Bio paper 1. Very bad habit, braking cardinal rules. And I'm sorry for breaking down on you Rabe. I didn't mean to. I guess I just didn't have quite as firm a rein on my emotions as I would have liked. But everything is back all bottled up like it should be. So yes. I am completely at my breaking point. Any more stress, and I will become a shapeless, quivering blob on the floor. But hey, what are floors for? But yes. You know, it's not just Mark or school. Although those are significant contributing factors. It's just...my mum's dad went into complete renal failure the other week, and even though he's on dialysis (finally), the trips to the hospital and back wear him out because it takes like an hour and half to get there. They're trying night-time dialysis at home now, but he says if it doesn't get better he's pulling the plug. Which means he will die. Mind you, we've all been expecting his heart to give out first for years, but it would be nice if he stayed alive until my mum can get down there in July. And I think my other grandpa may have colon cancer. No one tells me anything of course, but I overhear conversations between my dad and grandma, and it sounds pretty bad. He's going to the doctor next week to get checked out, but you can tell my grandma knows its serious. She has a look. And then I have all this pressure with school and IB. I mean, I know I put alot of it on myself, but I can't help it. That's how it's always been. And then Mark is just the frosting on the cake. Not that I wouldn't be torn up about it normally, but at least I wouldn't start crying everytime I think about him (which is every minute practically) or someone mentions his name. But hey, at least I think I know what he's angry about. *sigh* Not that it matters if he isn't talking to me, I guess. But I shall have to hand him Kalyn's invite tomorrow, which should be interesting. So, if I come running hell bent for leather out of the library tomorrow, you know why.
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2 comments:
hello mare...that's ok, i don't mind the breaking down. i think you're a very strong person, and i know a lot stronger than me...everyone here has seen me break down on insignificant things such as getting a 60 on a chem exam, so compared with what is happening in your life, i think you're pretty strong. and if you come running hell bent for leather out of the library, we can always go for a walk or just escape in general so you don't have to be in the school. and i know it must be tough, but grandparents do age...heck i never met my grandfathers, but it must be difficult being so close to your fort grandparents...i talked to my grandma on the phone on mothers day and she wasn't making any sense...she was rambling about how the daffodils were just like dancing, just like! and that wouldn't she like to go dancing for once, but she has no young men to take her out....so yeah, i think she's getting a bit confused....but no, if you ever want to talk rabe is here! she doesn't want bottled-up mare, because bottled-up mare is like "Mare. From concentrate." and that is not the kind of mare that rabe knows and likes best...not saying that bottled up mare is stupid, just saying.,..be free with emotions, and in the end it will be better....ok i think i'm definitely rambling here, so feel free to ignore most of this comment....i shall see ya later!
You know I'm here for you all the time, we all are. Life can be skankalicious; we've all experienced it, so we can help if you need it.
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