Mare's whacked-out thoughts

I've been feeling kind of down lately. I don't know why, but I have. I can't find the energy to study, or even to care that I'm not. I'm just so tired. And I can't seem to sleep properly. I keep waking up or having bad dreams. And, as corny as it sounds, I miss Mark when I don't see him for a couple of days. I dunno, he's just never far from my thoughts. It's kind of scary, really. I can just see another Cody situation all over again. It's stupid, but I can't help being insecure. It scares me so much I can hardly breathe sometimes. I just wish I could get over this insecurity. But I don't know how. Oh god, how I loved you. I would have done anything for you. I would have been anything for you. You just had to ask, and I would have given you whatever you wanted. It's kind of scary, you having that much control over me, but it's true. God help me, but it is. You've no idea. But then again, maybe you did. Maybe that's why you made the decisions you did. But then again, maybe not. I just don't know. I don't even think you know sometimes. It's amazing, really, how much something like that can hurt. It's something you never know until it happens, and then it hits you like an anvil falling out of the sky. Did you know how much you were hurting me? Do you know now? Maybe. But maybe not. I pray you never know pain like that. No one should have to go through that. But maybe I needed that. Maybe I needed it to realize what I had become. Maybe it was the only thing that could take me away from what I had made myself into. Maybe it was a test that I failed. The funny thing was, I wasn't angry. I never have been. Oh, it hurt me on a thousand different levels. But not once was I angry with you. If anything, I was angry with myself. Angry for not being the person you needed me to be, angry for not seeing the signs in time, angry for not knowing what to do. But with you, I was never angry. How could I be, when it was my fault? I want so badly to learn from my mistakes and move on, but I don't know how. God help me, I don't know how. It's been over three years, and I still cry myself to sleep sometimes. It's silly, I know, but how do I let go of something that seems a part of me? And yet I have to. If I ever want to be happy, I have to. But I don't know how. God help me, I don't know how.