Updation and Reflection

Wednesday was fairly uneventful, as days go. I went funeral-wear/"office attire" shopping with my daddy, which was a dull process. Basically, I had my daddy pick out black skirts and jackets and some dress shirts and I tried them on. But we met Melly and Aunty Joanne and Aunt Joan at the mall, so they gave their professional opinions on the matter. Melly sympathized with the fact that everyone was playing dress-up with me lol. In the end, we got a knee-length black skirt, a shorter black jacket, and a black pair of dress pants. And it was decided that I need a red dress shirt because red is a power color. However that and another shirt more appropriate for a funeral will be forthcoming as they didn't have any shirts in my size. And then I went and saw Narnia with Mark in the evening, which was delightful.

I went to the dentist this morning. Look mom, no cavities! And I was also told that I have beautiful teeth, my outfit was cute, and my dentist thinks I floss. Really, quite productive.

My daddy and I went into my grandma's this evening, but I didn't get to see her as she was sleeping. And they have her on morphine all the time, so even when I do get to see her it's not like she's very "there" most of the time anyway. But my Uncle Bill and Auntie Maria are up, so my daddy took Uncle Bill out for a drink, and I stayed and visted at the house. I was walking into the living room with my grandpa, and all of sudden he just grabbed me and hugged me and kissed me on the forehead. Not that that doesn't happen often, just usually it's not so spontaneous. I thought he was going to break down on me for a minute. You know, I think my grandpa needs us more than my grandma does. I mean, my grandma is the heart of our family; she sees that everything runs like it's supposed to and organizes all the family engagements and I just don't know what he's going to do without her.

There are times that I really wish that I could pray, because I don't think that I'm going to be strong enough on my own. But I really don't know whether or not I believe in God. I don't even know if I ever have, which is odd as I was raised in the Church. I would like to believe that there is a God, I really would, but I just can't believe that a God would allow so much suffering in the world, especially to such good people. And I really don't believe any of this "free will" nonsense either. I just don't know what I believe. But I wish I could have my family's faith. They all seem to find so much comfort in praying and in entrusting everything to God. And it's just...not something that I feel capable of doing. I've tried, so many times, but I just can't.

But I suppose such is life. Somebody has to be the non-believer.