Updation and Reflection

Wednesday was fairly uneventful, as days go. I went funeral-wear/"office attire" shopping with my daddy, which was a dull process. Basically, I had my daddy pick out black skirts and jackets and some dress shirts and I tried them on. But we met Melly and Aunty Joanne and Aunt Joan at the mall, so they gave their professional opinions on the matter. Melly sympathized with the fact that everyone was playing dress-up with me lol. In the end, we got a knee-length black skirt, a shorter black jacket, and a black pair of dress pants. And it was decided that I need a red dress shirt because red is a power color. However that and another shirt more appropriate for a funeral will be forthcoming as they didn't have any shirts in my size. And then I went and saw Narnia with Mark in the evening, which was delightful.

I went to the dentist this morning. Look mom, no cavities! And I was also told that I have beautiful teeth, my outfit was cute, and my dentist thinks I floss. Really, quite productive.

My daddy and I went into my grandma's this evening, but I didn't get to see her as she was sleeping. And they have her on morphine all the time, so even when I do get to see her it's not like she's very "there" most of the time anyway. But my Uncle Bill and Auntie Maria are up, so my daddy took Uncle Bill out for a drink, and I stayed and visted at the house. I was walking into the living room with my grandpa, and all of sudden he just grabbed me and hugged me and kissed me on the forehead. Not that that doesn't happen often, just usually it's not so spontaneous. I thought he was going to break down on me for a minute. You know, I think my grandpa needs us more than my grandma does. I mean, my grandma is the heart of our family; she sees that everything runs like it's supposed to and organizes all the family engagements and I just don't know what he's going to do without her.

There are times that I really wish that I could pray, because I don't think that I'm going to be strong enough on my own. But I really don't know whether or not I believe in God. I don't even know if I ever have, which is odd as I was raised in the Church. I would like to believe that there is a God, I really would, but I just can't believe that a God would allow so much suffering in the world, especially to such good people. And I really don't believe any of this "free will" nonsense either. I just don't know what I believe. But I wish I could have my family's faith. They all seem to find so much comfort in praying and in entrusting everything to God. And it's just...not something that I feel capable of doing. I've tried, so many times, but I just can't.

But I suppose such is life. Somebody has to be the non-believer.

The Day In Which Mare Did Almost Absolutely Nothing

Actually, that's not entirely true, as I did run some rather non-important errands this morning. Such as going to the bank and Staples. But then I came home and watched movies and cooked supper. How exciting. However, Evan called me at 7pm, so I went in to see him for an hour. God forbid I come home past 10pm and my mum can't sleep because she knows I'm going to get into an accident. *rolls eyes* Anyway, it was fun, we did nothing interesting.

Tomorrow I have to go funeral-wear shopping with my dad, so that should be interesting. And then maybe I'll call Mark, as I haven't seen him since before Christmas. Wow, what an interesting life I lead. I know you love it. lol

amazing

how much time I have to post now that I have nothing better to do. And really, I have nothing to talk about for today. I wandered about the house, complained about how bored I was, watched half an hour of three different movies, and then went to my grandma's for the evening. Exciting, I know. So I shall leave off rambling and hope for an exciting story to tell you tomorrow.

"Ninety percent of everything is crap" - Theodore Sturgeon

The Christmas That Was

Christmas really wasn't Christmas this year. I mean, I don't particularly ever look forward to Christmas, so most of the time it's just another day that I have to spend with my family, but this year it was different. Christmas just...was. I mean, don't get me wrong, everyone pitched in and everything turned out well, but it's not the same without my grandma. She managed to get up for half an hour while we were opening presents, and I got to see her for a few minutes later when she was awake, but it still didn't feel right. It didn't have the same atmosphere. Instead of my grandma and me in the kitchen, it was me and my parents. And my daddy and my uncle tim cleaned up afterward, which is just completely wrong because my grandma NEVER lets anyone but me help her clean up after dinner. And she wasn't bustling around making sure everyone has drinks and food and making my cousins and me stand in front of the Christmas tree for pictures after we got all dressed up for Church. At dinner, I sat in her chair and it just wasn't right. Christmas isn't Christmas anymore.

One day...

...my life will return to normal. But until then I suppose I shall just have to live with whatever happens. Whatever will be, will be....que sera, sera. Hmmm, sounds rather spanish.

Right, so spent this morning doing laundry and was about to put the cookie dough onto trays (barefoot and in the kitchen, I might add) when my dad walks in (off of work early) and asks me if I want to go to town. So I put the cookie dough in the fridge and skipped off in search of Mark's Christmas present (which is nowhere to be found...seriously, I looked in like 8 stores). Instead, I got money to pay for my license plate sticker and some pocket money and visted my grandma. And was told I looked like a hutterite. Seriously, it was just a skirt! I walk into my grandma's bedroom, "look grandma, I'm wearing your skirt!" "Oh, you look like a hutterite". What is up with my family abusing me today? When I told my dad that I was barefoot and in the kitchen, thus it may be rather difficult to go to town, he said "good, right where you should be". Granted, it was in a joking tone, but that seems to be how the Wellers like their women; barefoot and pregnant, cooking something in the kitchen. And then, when I told him I lost some of my freshmen 15 but was still a little over 120, he was all "wow, talk about your hippopotamuses". Geez.

Mark came over for a few hours today, which was nice as I haven't seen him in like, a week. Again, I was barefoot and in the kitchen finishing up the cookies when he arrived, but really, what is a girl to do?

My mother is seriously depressing me the more I'm at home. Today's lovely bit was (addressed to my father) "if she's going to go, I hope she goes while Mary-Ellen's at home so it doesn't interfere with school". Yes, I hope my grandma dies while it's convienent for me to attend the funeral. That's really my first concern. Gah. Anywho, I have a breakfast to go to tomorrow. At probably bloody 9 o'clock in the morning. My God, that's early.

The Black Dress

I'm back in the Fort for a while. On the way home, we stopped in to see my grandma, but we couldn't stay long because she was feeling really ill. Once we got home, my parents told me that next time I have a chance, over the break, I should go by myself a nice black dress, you know, "in case of interviews and thing, and if something happens with your grandmother".

It's not enough that I had to sit by my grandma's bed and talk to her cheerfully while watching her slowly dieing in front of me, hopped up on morphine that isn't taking away the pain well enough. I have to be told to go buy a dress for the funeral over Christmas break. I know, it shouldn't bother me this much. I expect all this. I expected to be buying an outfit to wear to her funeral in the very near future. But to hear it vocalized so often...it just hurts so much. But I'm supposed to be the listener so my mother can tell me all her worries and fears, and so I can't tell her how much it hurts. I just get to smile, and pretend I'm strong enough for both of us. But I'm not.

Boys are not responsible enough to have penises.

I've decided, and it's final. Some random drunk guy wandered off the elvator last night and into our wing. My first thought was "oh my god, my room is open". So rachel, steph, and I jumped up to go lock our doors (and good thing, too). I saw him go into our bathroom, but didn't think much of it at the time. Clearly, my room was more important, especially as he came out of the bathroom and tried to get into Ifeoma's room (next door). Apparently, he was looking for "tara" on "11 Mac". Ya, this is 9 Henday. So he went upstairs to 10, because clearly 10 H is 11 Mac. Clearly.

So after he left (after pounding on the elevator doors, because obviously that will make the elevator come) I went into the bathroom and decided to look to make sure everything was okay before using aforementioned bathroom. Everything was NOT okay. In fact, it was FAR from okay. There was a puddle on the floor, in front of the step to the urinals. And in steph's, Jenn's, Lian Feng's, and my bucket of hygeine stuff. Ya, that's right, Drunk Guy urinated all over our floor and stuff. I'm talking our toothbrushes, shampoo, etc. Ew. Just EW. So Rachel, Steph, and I spent an hour cleaning it all up and bleaching...after we found bleach, that is. Seriously, 8 mac is my favorite floor right now because out of like, 5 floors that we checked, they're the only one that had bleach. I have no toothbrush right now because I had to throw it out. And my scrubby, and various other things. And my retainer has to be sanitized because I can't go without it. EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW.

Drunk boys suck.

too much floor bonding

Yesterday was actually fairly fun. Mainly because I did practically no studying. But that's alright as I maxed out the studying today. We (being Dan, Melissa, Alison, Brant, Adam, and I) got into a rousing discussion yesturday about far too personal things. I don't remember what it started with, but in ended with Adam telling us all just exactly what Mark and he talked about the other night and then we moved on to female masturbation. Oh, what fun. I think we're getting far too comfortable with each other lol.

Another case in point, last night, I was going to go to bed after talking to evan on msn for awhile (1:00 am-ish) but decided to see what was going on in the lounge first. Well, apparently they had already watched Between the Sheets, and were killing half an hour so they could watch Sex Tips for Women. Needless to say I decided to join the party lol. So Dan, Siobhan, Jamie, Adam, Brant, Melissa, Dana, and I sat together for an hour and watched two sex shows, killing ourselves laughing and making fun of everything we possible could. As I said...far, FAR too comfortable with each other.

*sigh* I have to get back to stat now. It's just that seductive lol. Good luck with your last exams everyone!

Make it Stop!

I hate studying. Especially for stats. I've almost made it through chapter nine today, which means I have 6 chapters to go by 9am tuesday. Hot. I think I'll go sit in the caf later to study or summat and stay up real late. Not that studying is going to help me much when I really don't understand, but I can try.
,
That math exam went terribly. I got 94/200, and it was worth 50% of my mark, so I ended up with a C-. *sigh* At least I passed. I never want to even look at another math class ever again. Ew.

My mum called me on my cell today and told me to call her back quick, so I ran down to a payphone and called her back. "Okay, do you have your cell phone?" Of course I bloody well didn't. Why the hell would I bring my cell with me unless I was a) going somewhere else after, or b) you told me to? Seriously, brain cells are for using. And then she tells me she has to go because she's going to Aunty Joanne's, and slips in an "Oh, we saw your grandmother today, she told me she doesn't think she'll make it to Christmas". You know, that's really what I wanted to hear while I'm trying to study. That may sound incredibly selfish, but it is was it is. I have to read the updates on how grandma isn't going to live much longer and how bad she looks in every fricking email and every phone call. I would like, just during finals, to only have to worry about myself, because I'm already on the verge of a nervous breakdown, thank you very much, and I don't need to be shoved over the cliff any quicker. Seriously, does she think I don't get it? Because I do. Every time she tells me. It's just that I can't do anything about it, I'm not God, and not entirely sure there is one anyway. Her telling me how bad things are doesn't make the situation any better. I just ... want it all to stop.

P.S.: Mark, if you're reading this, you still have to tell me what you want for Christmas.

I'm tired.

Just tired. Of it all. Everything. I'm tired of having to be the one that my mother tells all her problems to and expects advice from. I'm thoroughly tired of being sick and not knowing what I have, and am somewhat worried that they sent me for another blood test without telling why or what it's for. I'm tired of studying despite the fact that I've barely studied at all. I'm tired of my mother telling me that I need to come for Christmas, basically come hell or high water, even though I have a mysterious virus and can't come home if I'm contagious. I'm tired of not being able to do anything other than hug my boyfriend because he has mono and I have some unknown disease. I'm tired of eating res food and feeling slightly nauseous everytime I go down to get something to eat. I'm tired of being stressed to the breaking point and knowing that I can't have a meltdown because I don't have time for it. I'm tired of feeling stressed even though I really don't have much reason to be this stressed. I'm just...tired.

I wish I could just get away. From everything. Just go somewhere where I don't know anyone and no one knows me and just be free of everything. And not have to worry about anyone's problems, not even my own, for just a little while. Even for just a day.

But I can't. I can't. I have to worry. About my mum's work problems, about my grandma, about exams, about being sick, about the future...And I don't know that I can handle it anymore. But I have to. I don't have any other choice. And I have to go study as I have two exams tomorrow.

I'll fall apart later, when I have time for it. But not now. Not now.

Eww...mono...

That's right, Mark has mono! And strep throat. And I have something, but I don't know what. All I know is I can't talk nor swallow and my throat hurts. Owie. Sorry I haven't updated in awhile, but things have been a bit crazy and all. Y'all can relate, I'm sure.

I am definitely NOT ready for finals. I should have started studying ages ago, but I didn't. Because I hate studying and I don't want to be all hardcore this year like last year. And the year before that. And the year before that. Okay, I know I wasn't all that hardcore (definitely not Clare-hardcore), but still. Way too much stress. And I have enough stress to be doing with, thank you very much. I just can't handle it all anymore. I can't worry about finals AND my mum's work issues AND my grandma AND Mark being sick AND myself possibly getting sick AND what the hell am I going to do next year, and And AND. And it's not like I can just stop worrying about any of it, because I can't. So I just wall myself off from all of it for awhile and focus on one worry at a time, whichever is in front of me at the moment. Still though...do you think they can clone me? Because that would be great.

But alas, Mathematics calls. And my toothbrush. I even made out a schedule for today. Hopefully I'll follow it.

Listeritis.

INFLAMMATION OF THE LISTER! AHHHHHH!!!! Mark has Listeritis. Well, he has something. Mono or strep or tonsilitis or some combination. Mmm, listeritis. So basically, we spent all day going from the clinic to the pharmacy to the faculty office to the pharmacy and then back home. It was quite the crazy day. Plus I had my spanish oral this morning, which I'm pretty sure I did well on. How 'bout you Willis?

Rachel, Jamie, and I dragged Jamie's mattress out into the corridor this evening and used it as a trampoline for awhile to try and loosen the springs up, but I don't think it worked. But hey, it was fun anyway.

I don't know what to do with myself. It's wierd...I have no homework that I technically need to do right now...and Mark is sleeping...and I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! *sigh* You know your pathetic when...

Anywho...back to my boringness..

Shopping = Hell^max

Mark and I went shopping yesturday for my secret santa presents, which turned out to be a horrible idea. But it had to be done. First of all, Mark is ill, so shopping probably wasn't a good idea for him. And then, there was some sort of parade happening on the second level, which meant I couldn't get up there to the stores I wanted to go to. *sigh* Plus Dennis is SO hard to buy for. Seriously, me + shopping + parade +being shoved by an old woman = a really frustrated Mare.

Anywho, I got out of english early today plus it's canceled on Wednesday, so I'm all good. Thank goodness term is almost over. Finals here I come.

"Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps, for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they ought to be. " -- William Hazlitt

"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. " -- Edgar Bergen, (Charlie McCarthy)

3

3 is an interesting number. In math, it is the first prime number. It is often the largest number written with as many lines as the number represents (ie: Roman style III). It represents the Holy Trinity. It is the atomic number of lithium. It is the number of the car that Dave Earnhardt drove.

It is also the number of months that I was told the doctor gave my grandma to live.

Dancing the Night Away

Steph, Dana, Kayleigh, and I were all herded into Devin's room this evening and we had a good time listening to music. And not just any music, good music. All the greats. Big band, swing, the Beatles, everything. And Steph and I danced. That's right, we danced. I looked like a fool, but it was so much fun. And Steph is an awesome dancer.

But you know what? We didn't listen to any Aretha Franklin. Shame on us.