G'ahead, put your back into it

So life is going...as life goes, I guess. Which means it's sucky, but what else is new? I'm definitely going crazy after two weeks of being here. I'm pretty sure it's only my trips into the city to see myles that are keeping me on this side of insanity. I'm picking up old habits again, which suggests that a lot of it is environmental. Although, to be perfectly honest, I don't see what could be that different between here and edmonton, except maybe I have more time by myself here. Whatever. My dad bought me a pass to the fitness centre, so I've started going there a bit. Probably go more regularly as an after work thing now though. I can't really eat anymore. I think I have an ulcer or summat, because everytime I eat, it makes me feel sick and hurts my stomach. Plus I just feel guilty. We went out for brunch with grandpa yesterday, and I stood up and twirled to show him new outfit, and he's all "wow, you're really slim". Sadly (pathetically?) that just made my whole day. With apparently nothing better to do, I live to be thin. Plus I have to wear a bathingsuit maybe next weekend, so I'm a little afraid about that. Whatever. I'll just go to the gym a whole bunch this week. Except for tomorrow because I'm staying at Myles'.

You know, my parents have surprisingly little to say to my face about my sleepovers. They seem to just have accepted the fact that I'm a failure. FINALLY. But then again, I'm sure they have plenty to say behind closed doors. When do they not?

My grandma phoned me yesterday to invite me back east for a week at the end of the summer. I'm kind of excited. I have to ask my boss today if it's alright though. Dad, of course, thinks they're not going to be too happy about it. But then again, he's never happy about anything that could potentially put me in a less than perfect light because "your behaviour is a reflection on me, therefore if you have a poor work ethic or do something wrong, it makes me look bad". Because it's all about YOU. So I have to tiptoe around with my boss on this. Basically, no mentioning that the reason I've been invited back east is because my grandpa is dieing and has asked to see me. But then again, my grandpa's been dieing for years, so nothing new. Whatever, I just want to get away.

End of Year Two

Huzzah! Second year of uni is finally over! Just two and a half more to go...although I think this year was a lot better than last year, even with the mono and two bouts of strep throat. I was actually starting to actually be happy near the end. I've finally found a faculty I fit into (although you wouldn't know it by my marks..buuhhh 3 C+s so far). That in itself is actually something of a relief. I know I can do better, I just have to try harder next semester. And I have a boy that, by some miracle, isn't sick of me yet and doesn't mind my nerdiness. And I really really like this one. He makes me happy just thinking about him.

I'm rather disliking being at the parents' for the summer. I can't wait for work to start...at least I'll be out of the house for 8 hours a day. Seriously, I already complained to my daddy that I want to go home. To MY home. *sigh* But it's only four months, right? I can last... And I'll be in edmonton a little bit this summer. Sadly, I can't wait for uni to start again, just so I can be with my friends and everyone...I just don't belong here anymore.

Oh yeah..this is why I hate going home..

It's Easter. I've decided to add that to my list of holidays I hate. I mean, I don't dislike it as much as Christmas, but it's up there.

I get home Thursday, I go to church, yada yada yada. Friday, I go grocery shopping with my dad where I am checked out (in front of my dad) by a 16 year old grocery guy. Woot, go me with the cradle-snatching. We stop by my grandpa's for 5 minutes where I am completely nice and welcoming to the girlfriend and then we go home, where I put away groceries and bake two batches of cinimon rolls (one just for my dad so he can have raisens in it). Then on Saturday we go down to Rosalind to drop stuff off with the contractor and come back home, where I bake my daddy a double batch of cookies and then I made a cake. And while I'm cleaning up after making these cookies and cake, my parents get to talking about how young people are moving intogether these days and how they are immature and shouldn't be moving in together when they don't have the ability to commit to a relationship because they don't even know what a relationship means!

Well, excuse me, but I think I'm pretty mature and know how to commit to a relationship. But I asked if I was being included in this rather unfair stereotype, and I was told I was. Well thanks for the vote of confidence, now why don't you tell me what you really think of me? Because CLEARLY I'm far too immature, what with going through three years of IB voluntarily and going to parties where we played cranium and watched movies. CLEARLY the fact that I graducated with pretty decent marks, got Rutherford, and got in to U of A shows how immature I am. CLEARLY making it through almost two years without any major screwups is pretty darn immature. And CLEARLY having a two and a half year relationship with someone and holding on and trying to fix it until there was no relationship left shows my INABILITY to commit. What a dissapointment I must be.

And today I was a good daughter and went to church and sang in the choir and then came home and helped get dinner on the table for our family dinner and then spent the entire after-dinner visiting time in the kitchen cleaning up. And then after I got through the over an hour it took to clean up, I refreshed drinks and fetched newspaper articles and escorted people out. And then cleaned some more. HOW FREAKING IMMATURE OF ME. And to top off my wonderful weekend, this morning when I got up my mother told me I didn't look very good. Thanks, I have a mirror. I'm pretty sure I know I look terrible.

I may be overly sensitive, but they are overly critical. And if I have to spend one more holiday hearing "you're such a jerk", "tell me what to do again and I'll beat you", "I'm always the one doing all the work and you guys do nothing", and several other irritating and oh-so-loving phrases, I'm going to run away and join the circus.

And they wonder why I hate family dinners.

New Look for a New Beginning?

It's pretty well spring. You wouldn't know it from looking out the window since it's all gross and snowing, but it's spring. Plus it's almost Easter, which is all about the rebirth and all that jazz. So I decided I needed a new look and, hey, I just might get refocused and start actively trying to do something with my life. I've started working out again. I'm terribly out of shape, but I'm trying because I'd really like to be a little less...curvy (read: have less thighs). And I'm trying to eat healthier. Janna showed me this really cool thing on www.dietitians.ca called eatracker. Basically, you tell it everything you had to eat and all the activity you did, and it tells you what you need to eat more of and less of and if you need more activity. It's pretty stellar, I have to say.

I've definitely been slacking off on school lately though. After all, I've had strep twice in less than two months, and four group projects (written and presentation) all due within a couple of weeks of each other on top of my regular assignments. So I've stopped making any effort whatsoever at spanish. I've even skipped over my allotted amount of classes. But I honestly don't care. I don't even want to take it anymore, but my parents have told me I have to, therefore I obey. But I'm doing okay at my other classes, and I'm fairly enjoying the ag stuff. Although I was ready to shoot half the kids in my an sc 200 class for not being able to get it through their heads how the quota system works. It's really not that hard of a concept. But whatever.

And I think things are going well with Myles. March has been the month of death with assignments, but we see each other a couple of times a week. I'm finding it really hard to open up though, which bothers him, I think. I want to, but I just can't seem to let myself get all that emotionally involved. Basically, I'm a terrible person. But I guess we'll see how it goes. I'll open up eventually, right? He invited me to go down to Red Deer/Calgary with him to hang out with his brother and his friends this weekend (which I said no to because I have a ton of homework and I was SUPPOSED to be going to a dairy farm today, which got cancelled). Is that a big deal? I never know with these things. Mainly because I never think most things are a big deal. But hey, I'm apparently cold and can turn off my feelings, so maybe that's why. I just don't want to get super involved and start making plans and have it all come crashing down again. Because that hurt. A lot. And it still hurts. There are still nights I cry myself to sleep.

But it will get better. It has to, right? Or else what would be the point in living?

Update in a nutshell

It's been an age and a half since I've posted...I've become quite slack, I guess. Although, truth to tell, not a whole lot has been going on. Well, interesting-wise I mean. Lots of boring school stuff though. I'm still "pending" for my admission into AFHE. Not that it really bothers me, I suppose, but I'd like it to be official sometime this century. Honestly, how hard is it to press a button that says "approved"? I suspect not very.

I have a grand total of four group projects due this month. First up is my Heifer In Your Tank project, which is going to be filmed documentary style, and written up in McLeans. Not just my group, I mean, all of HIYT because it's probably the last year for it. I'm totally nerding it up and getting a shirt. But my group is pretty good, so I think it should go well. I also have a case study report for AREC 323 that we have no idea what we're supposed to be doing for because the prof has never told us what he wants. FANTASTIC. Practially Set For Life Lottery FANTASTIC. AREC 200 has a report and presentation and my group hasn't even met yet. I'm rather worried for that one, but we'll see what we can pull off. And then I have my spanish oral, which should be aight. Plus all the rest of my regular homework of course. Ugh

This weekend was pretty busy, but in a good way. Siobhan and I went to Chapters and Gordon Price (no good sheet music, tear), and then Myles came over for a bit and we went to dinner at BPs, then to the casino for a bit, and then ended up at the ranch with Jamie and Alexis and Steven. It was a little bit lame though, and Jamie was tired, so we all left early. Saterday was the longest ever group meeting for HIYT, but we got a lot done. One girl showed up an hour late and left early though, so we weren't too thrilled about that. And then Dana and Siobhan and I went out to dinner at Mongolie Grill, which was fantabulous. And then we came back played some piano, and I went and watched the rest of the hockey game at Myles's. Suckily, we had to get up early because Myles had work and I had to go grocery shopping, which took for freaking ever. Seriously old ladies, there is NO NEED to jam your carts into our cart/heels/any exposed body parts. JUST WAIT YOUR TURN! It was so busy. And the walk home was cold and full of heavy bags of food. Mmmm foood. Siobhan and I had a wonderful workout, which hurts tremendously this morning. But I love working out, and I ran a 10 minute mile, which is really good for me. I'm just not much of a runner. And then I went to Myles' and Jamie's for dinner (Jamie and Steven cooked), and it was pretty fun. But the bus in to campus this morning took an extra half hour because 114st was SO congested. I was almost late.

So ya, that's my life lately in brief. I basically have no life. But I DO have an interview tomorrow, which means I have to go home tonight. Fingers crossed!

Break? Where?!

Reading Week (aka: suicide week) is nearly over, and I'm exhausted. It's my own fault, but still. What ever happened to actually relaxing on a vaction? Myles, Jamie, Alexis and I went out to the Ivory Club on Friday night, which was really fun, but we had to get up early because Myles and Jamie were being picked up to go to the airport. I stayed up late Sunday and had to get up early Monday to help move all my grandpa's stuff into his new apartment and get everything set up. My god but that man has a lot of junk! It took us all day, and there are still boxes of things lying about. And then I drove around Edmonton and the Fort all day Tuesday with my mum.

I had to get up at 2 30am on Wednesday to go into the farm to do the milking. Needless to say, I was not a happy camper later, and thus did not go to church. I'm going to hell for being a heathen and not going to Ash Wednesday lol. But I am a heathen with freshly polished teeth, as I went to the dentist today. And now I have to do some homework. Except my parent's computer is dumb and won't let me download some of it.

And I officially applied for readmission to AFHE, so YAY. And how nice that they make me pay $75 for it. But whatever. Anyway, I'm just blathering.

Starting to Look Up

Things are starting to look up, generally speaking. I think I may even be happy. I'm doing well in my classes, although perhaps I shouldn't speak too soon as I haven't finished midterms yet. But I'm doing well on the assignments and quizes, and I have good feelings about my econ midterm. I'm actually making friends in my faculty, which is also nice. And I've joined the Ag Marketing Club, so we'll see how that goes. A couple of the guys at the Ag Marketing meeting tonight are of the opinion that I should also join the Ag Club and the Rodeo Club. I'm not too sure about the Rodeo Club, but I may look into the Ag Club. Can't hurt to be more involved, and it would probably look good on my resume. Plus I'm sure it's fun. And I acutally like my classes, which is a nice turn of events. I thought they would be really boring, but they aren't. And I get to have field trips in AN SC, so no complaints there. YAY FIELD TRIPS.

And I've met a boy. In a bar, yes, but he's really nice and I like spending time with him. I suppose you could say we're seeing each other or dating or whatever. I like boys. Especially this one. I suppose we'll see how this pans out. I don't want to get my hopes up just in case, but I have good feelings about it. Janna approves, so he can't be all that bad lol.

Anywho, I should get back to studying for my 3 MIDTERMS. Gross.

Drowning in a Sea of Self-Pity

I really don't know what to say about life lately. I like my AN SC class. I think I'm happier than I was. But it's that kind of happy where you know that ya, life is kind of okay, but you know it could be so much better.

I miss my grandpa. He won't be back from the states until March, and when he comes back, he's bringing his girlfriend. And I want him to be happy, but at the same time, I kind of wish he could be happy while not having a girlfriend that he feels the need to bring back from the states. Which is terribly selfish and makes me a bit of a horrible person. But I really miss my grandma, and I know Bernice isn't trying to replace her or anything, but at the same time I really don't care. I just don't want her here. It's like, if I don't have to see her, I can just keep pretending she doesn't really mean anything. And it's almost a year since grandma died, and it's almost Valentine's. And she always did something for me on Valentine's. She would give me a card, or candy, or take me out to lunch, or just have me over and we'd cook or play cards. But it was always something. She always made me feel special, no matter what. And I just want her back.

And, as shallow as it is, I want a boyfriend. I want someone who will hold me and tell me that they love me and that everything will turn out somehow. I want to feel safe. I want a boy to hold me while I cry. And I don't want it to hurt anymore. I don't want to feel so bitter and cynical. I want to believe that there is someone out there that can appreciate me and love me in spite of all of my flaws. I know I moan about this a lot, but I'm tired of feeling ...broken.

This Valentine's Day I have a midterm. Followed by 3 more midterms within the two days after. But this Valentine's Day, Janna and I are going to watch chick flicks and eat ice cream. And I am going to get drunk, so that, just maybe, I can forget how lonely I am and how badly I have screwed up my life.

And then I'm going to get up and re-start life. I guess it'll kind of be my New Years. I may even have resolutions. But don't get your hopes up. Life is full of dissapointments.

Have You Accepted Jesus Christ As Your Personal Saviour?

I learned at church tonight that that question makes Catholics uncomfortable because we're a community-based religion and get caught up on the 'personal' bit. I'm not going to lie, going to church kind of makes me uncomfortable. Because I'm not a very good Catholic. I shouldn't even really call myself Catholic as I really don't live my everyday life as a Catholic should, except apparently once you've been baptised, you can't be un-Catholicked. So I'm probably going to Hell. Or at least burn in purgatory for a rather long time before I'm allowed into Heaven.

Tomorrow is our trip to Steve's dairy farm for my An Sc lab, which should be funtastical. Well, except for the part where I'll smell like cows. Ew.

Procrastination is Key

...to finding random shit on the internet. Enter T-Shirt Hell. Because there's just not enough classy t-shirts in the world. Okay, I admit, I was laughing the entire time. My personal favorite is the one with Bullwinkle beating the crap out of Sylvester Stalone. Because really? Another Rocky movie? Are you serious? You aren't dead yet?

I'm enjoying my Ag classes so far. An Sc 200 is my favorite, just because I love the labs, and my prof is great, and my TAs are pretty hot, and we learn cool things. Plus they're letting us milk cows and pigs for practicum. I can't wait until Reading Week...4am milking, here I come!

And now I'm just procrastinating hard core, because espanol es estupido. Mucho. ...Okay I'm done.

PS: I'm totally on Facebook now. Tear. I think.

Change of Direction

I am (or, rather, soon will be) an Aggie. I've switched some classes, and I am going to apply for readmission into AgFor this weekend. I just can't cut it in Arts econ anymore. There are too many Asians screwing me over on the curve. I can't compete with that, and I'm tired of being a C student. Thusly, I am now an AREC (Agriculture and Resource Economics) major. I think it will be fun, and it's far more applicable (well, to me, at least). We shall see how it goes. It's actually the first major decision I've ever made without discussing and consulting with my parents first. It feels weird. And like I've betrayed them somehow. Decision to go to SAL? Discussed, thought over, and decided as a family. Taking all IB except french? Family decision. Which university to go to? Family. To not do Study Abroad? Family. Major/minor? Family. To break up with Mark? Definitely family discussion, even though the final decision rested with me. Basically, my entire life's major decisions have been made as a family, with carefully looking at the benefits and drawbacks, discussion of the ramifications of each choice, and then the final decision was usually a consensus. It's really strange to make a decision all on my own. And I'm not sure if I've made the right one. But I suppose I shall just have to see how it turns out. Hopefully I haven't screwed anything up too badly.

Then and Now

2006 was...well, a pretty crappy year, all in all. There was the usual exam stresses, Skulk (which caused the entire floor to get sick), my grandma died, I broke up with my boyfriend, I ended up working 2 jobs in the summer (over 60 hours a week), I got mono,...and just so many other small things that added up to not fun. But I also got to drive down to Medicine Hat to visit Siobhan, had some fun times with Meagan at work, random fun times in Lister, and finally getting to live in an apartment this year. However, I'm fairly sure the cons outweigh the pros. It certainly feels that way, anyway.

But hey, I didn't make any resolutions, so I guess I didn't break any. I'm not sure if I should do some for this year or not. Maybe later. We'll see.

There's supposed to be a new girl moving in today. Awkward. I don't do well with new people. And neither of my other roomates are home...yikes. I'm torn between hiding in my room and going out to do errands. Hiding in my room will probably win over walking though. I've started reading the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon again, so I'll probably just sit around reading. Slash I have to make a CD for my mum and write a letter to my grandparents.

Okay, enough rambling.