Drowning in a Sea of Self-Pity

I really don't know what to say about life lately. I like my AN SC class. I think I'm happier than I was. But it's that kind of happy where you know that ya, life is kind of okay, but you know it could be so much better.

I miss my grandpa. He won't be back from the states until March, and when he comes back, he's bringing his girlfriend. And I want him to be happy, but at the same time, I kind of wish he could be happy while not having a girlfriend that he feels the need to bring back from the states. Which is terribly selfish and makes me a bit of a horrible person. But I really miss my grandma, and I know Bernice isn't trying to replace her or anything, but at the same time I really don't care. I just don't want her here. It's like, if I don't have to see her, I can just keep pretending she doesn't really mean anything. And it's almost a year since grandma died, and it's almost Valentine's. And she always did something for me on Valentine's. She would give me a card, or candy, or take me out to lunch, or just have me over and we'd cook or play cards. But it was always something. She always made me feel special, no matter what. And I just want her back.

And, as shallow as it is, I want a boyfriend. I want someone who will hold me and tell me that they love me and that everything will turn out somehow. I want to feel safe. I want a boy to hold me while I cry. And I don't want it to hurt anymore. I don't want to feel so bitter and cynical. I want to believe that there is someone out there that can appreciate me and love me in spite of all of my flaws. I know I moan about this a lot, but I'm tired of feeling ...broken.

This Valentine's Day I have a midterm. Followed by 3 more midterms within the two days after. But this Valentine's Day, Janna and I are going to watch chick flicks and eat ice cream. And I am going to get drunk, so that, just maybe, I can forget how lonely I am and how badly I have screwed up my life.

And then I'm going to get up and re-start life. I guess it'll kind of be my New Years. I may even have resolutions. But don't get your hopes up. Life is full of dissapointments.