The Past is never really relegated to the past

I know this is old and you probably don't want to hear anymore but, please, just indulge me. You know, it seems that every now and then, my mother likes to bring up the topic of Cody. Now, I realize that she isn't doing it on purpose to guilt trip me, or try and hurt me or anthything, but everytime she does, a little part of me just wants to curl up and die. A very small part of me, but it is there nonetheless. Because, I know, I just know that mum really liked him. Daddy did too actually, and they were incredibly dissapointed in me when I ended it. Mum, of course, didn't hesistate to say so, but daddy's reaction was worse. He just gave me a look and the dissapointed sigh as he walked away. The DISSAPOINTED SIGH. Anyway, that isn't really what I'm here to talk about. Apparently, mum was talking to his grandma today and he hasn't been around lately like he used to be, ever since he started dating Amy. I don't particularly care all that much (I mean, I CARE, but it's not as if it affects me anymore), but just that phrase, that loaded phrase, "used to". I don't think it was inteded to be loaded, but that's what it sounded like to my paranoid brain that is used to interpreting most things as guilt-tripping. "Used to", as in "back in the day when he was happy", as in "back when he was dating you". I know it's just my paranoia, but I can't help putting this spin on it. And it's no one's fault but mine, because I can't help but feel this incredible guilt for everthing I've done. So every time my mum brings him up, it's like another knife just jabbed into my stomach. Every time that phrase is brought up (as it invaribly seems to be thses days), that horrible "used to" I feel like it's my fault. Like there was something I could have done to make things better. Well, obviously, but I'm fairly happy where I am now. Not that there's things I wouldn't change if I could (I mean come on, I have a lot of regrets, but that is another story for another time), but had my descision been different, I wouldn't be where I am today. And I wouldn't give up Mark for the world. But there are definitely things I would have done differently. It's just, I can't go back. I can't change things, no matter how much I want to. Hell , I wouldn't re-live grade 9 if you paid me, it just wouldn't be worth it. But I can't help feeling majorly guilty, every time he's mentioned. God, I can barely look him in the face on the rare occasion I see him. Which hasn't actually been for nearly a year. Will I ever stop feeling guilty? Probably not. But someday, perhaps that little part of me that dies everytime my mother mentions him will finally be able to face the mistakes I made and just shudder, instead of dieing. He may have forgiven me, but will I ever forgive myself?