Did you know that I eat too much? Did you also know that I can't live on caffeine forever? Did you similarly know that I look terrible? Well, it's a good thing I was informed, or else I would have been under the mistaken delusion that I eat enough, can live on caffeine, and look decent. Seriously though, WTF?! I bloody know that I eat too god damn much. I am under no pretenses about caffeine and my ability to live on it. And really, I have a mirror, I know that I look terrible. Do they think I don't tell myself that every day? Clearly, I can, and do, do a much better job of putting myself down. I am just so tired. Of everything. I try so hard, and it's never good enough. It never will be good enough. And yet I still try. I've given up breakfast except for a cup of coffee. I haven't eaten lunch since the eighth grade. I have lost 5 lbs and am working on the next 5. I really do try hard to do well in school. I've made an effort to look half-decent, but as it clearly isn't working, it's gone by the wayside. But hey, clearly my best effort isn't good enough. And yet I still try. I will run myself into the ground trying to make them happy. But what is the point? There isn't one, and I still can't let go. I hate what they're doing to me, what I am doing to myself, but I can't help it. I just don't know hoe to stop. Every time we have a major fight, I have all of this emotion locked up and I don't know what to do with it. So, I take it out in unhealthy ways. I know they're unhealthy. I know I shouldn't. I really do try not to. But then we have another major altercation and I can't stop myself. It's been like this for so long I can't even remember a time when it wasn't. But then again, I do have excellent memory repression. *sigh* Can anyone guess the 3 most heard phrases of Mare's life?
I just posted all of this to get it off my chest. So, sorry if I've disturbed anyone. I'll be alright in the morning. I would appreciate it if this doesn't go beyond the blog. Also, I don't really want to talk about this at any time, so I'm disabling the comments for this post.
