Break? Where?!

Reading Week (aka: suicide week) is nearly over, and I'm exhausted. It's my own fault, but still. What ever happened to actually relaxing on a vaction? Myles, Jamie, Alexis and I went out to the Ivory Club on Friday night, which was really fun, but we had to get up early because Myles and Jamie were being picked up to go to the airport. I stayed up late Sunday and had to get up early Monday to help move all my grandpa's stuff into his new apartment and get everything set up. My god but that man has a lot of junk! It took us all day, and there are still boxes of things lying about. And then I drove around Edmonton and the Fort all day Tuesday with my mum.

I had to get up at 2 30am on Wednesday to go into the farm to do the milking. Needless to say, I was not a happy camper later, and thus did not go to church. I'm going to hell for being a heathen and not going to Ash Wednesday lol. But I am a heathen with freshly polished teeth, as I went to the dentist today. And now I have to do some homework. Except my parent's computer is dumb and won't let me download some of it.

And I officially applied for readmission to AFHE, so YAY. And how nice that they make me pay $75 for it. But whatever. Anyway, I'm just blathering.

Starting to Look Up

Things are starting to look up, generally speaking. I think I may even be happy. I'm doing well in my classes, although perhaps I shouldn't speak too soon as I haven't finished midterms yet. But I'm doing well on the assignments and quizes, and I have good feelings about my econ midterm. I'm actually making friends in my faculty, which is also nice. And I've joined the Ag Marketing Club, so we'll see how that goes. A couple of the guys at the Ag Marketing meeting tonight are of the opinion that I should also join the Ag Club and the Rodeo Club. I'm not too sure about the Rodeo Club, but I may look into the Ag Club. Can't hurt to be more involved, and it would probably look good on my resume. Plus I'm sure it's fun. And I acutally like my classes, which is a nice turn of events. I thought they would be really boring, but they aren't. And I get to have field trips in AN SC, so no complaints there. YAY FIELD TRIPS.

And I've met a boy. In a bar, yes, but he's really nice and I like spending time with him. I suppose you could say we're seeing each other or dating or whatever. I like boys. Especially this one. I suppose we'll see how this pans out. I don't want to get my hopes up just in case, but I have good feelings about it. Janna approves, so he can't be all that bad lol.

Anywho, I should get back to studying for my 3 MIDTERMS. Gross.

Drowning in a Sea of Self-Pity

I really don't know what to say about life lately. I like my AN SC class. I think I'm happier than I was. But it's that kind of happy where you know that ya, life is kind of okay, but you know it could be so much better.

I miss my grandpa. He won't be back from the states until March, and when he comes back, he's bringing his girlfriend. And I want him to be happy, but at the same time, I kind of wish he could be happy while not having a girlfriend that he feels the need to bring back from the states. Which is terribly selfish and makes me a bit of a horrible person. But I really miss my grandma, and I know Bernice isn't trying to replace her or anything, but at the same time I really don't care. I just don't want her here. It's like, if I don't have to see her, I can just keep pretending she doesn't really mean anything. And it's almost a year since grandma died, and it's almost Valentine's. And she always did something for me on Valentine's. She would give me a card, or candy, or take me out to lunch, or just have me over and we'd cook or play cards. But it was always something. She always made me feel special, no matter what. And I just want her back.

And, as shallow as it is, I want a boyfriend. I want someone who will hold me and tell me that they love me and that everything will turn out somehow. I want to feel safe. I want a boy to hold me while I cry. And I don't want it to hurt anymore. I don't want to feel so bitter and cynical. I want to believe that there is someone out there that can appreciate me and love me in spite of all of my flaws. I know I moan about this a lot, but I'm tired of feeling ...broken.

This Valentine's Day I have a midterm. Followed by 3 more midterms within the two days after. But this Valentine's Day, Janna and I are going to watch chick flicks and eat ice cream. And I am going to get drunk, so that, just maybe, I can forget how lonely I am and how badly I have screwed up my life.

And then I'm going to get up and re-start life. I guess it'll kind of be my New Years. I may even have resolutions. But don't get your hopes up. Life is full of dissapointments.