I have heard that more often than I care to count from my dad over the years. No joke, I've literally been told to "cowboy-up" and get over whatever I'm whining about. I was told just the other week, in fact.
But you know what, I'm tired of Cowboying-up. No matter how much I lie to myself, I honest-to-God hate my life. And pretty much always have, despite the fact that, in reality, I've never had all that much to complain about. But I'm going to complain anyway because this is my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want.
And I hate the fact that I have to work two jobs in order to pay for uni. I hate that I need to go to uni in order to have some remote chance of getting a better job than the two I have now. I hate that my grandpa is dating women so soon after my grandma died, and I hate that he's moving out of the last house that I have memories of her in, into a dumb condo where nothing will have that familiarity and sentiments attached. I hate that I now feel awkward around Evan. I hate that I have no free time. I hate that I hardly sleep. I hate that I starve myself because I want to be thin. I hate that I regularly avoid looking in the mirror. I hate being this far away from Siobhan, because she is one of two people that completely understand me and my decisions and love me anyway, even though I definitely don't deserve it. I hate feeling older than most people in my age-group. I hate that I have rediculously high expectations, yet feel hurt when people don't live up to them. I hate that it is no longer possible for me to close my eyes and make the world go away. And I truly wish that it would. I hate that I regularly wish to fall asleep and never wake up. And I hate that I see so many flaws in myself, yet do almost nothing to fix them. In short, I hate my life, and wish I could somehow escape.
But no such luck.
Two and a half years today. That's a rather long time.
1 comment:
I don't mean to be blonde, but what was 2 and 1/2 years ago?
Anyway, I love you too! Don't give all the credit to Siobhan....[although, she probably deserves it more because of her proximity to you].
I feel older than everyone in my age group too, and not only that, everyone thinks I'm 25! 25 Mare! That means that when I'm 20, their all going to think I'm 30. Sheesh. But really, don't hate feeling older than everyone else. Just think, they all have to catch up to you and you're soo much more mature than they are. And most importantly, it gives you one less thing to hate ;)
Working two jobs sucks, but at least you know that it's going towards helping you get a better job. Just keep focused on that and it some how makes things easier. *big hug*
I think that it's really hard for your Grandpa to live around so many memories of someone that he loved so much. When my sister passed away, we had to move because my mom was being tortured by the memories of her saying "Hey Mom!" in the hall way when ever my mom returned from work. It's a selfish thing for him to do, but I think that's why he's moving away. Also, he probably feels old and doesn't want to "waste time" getting remarried. I personally think that maybe he should have waited, but always know that none of the ladies he dates will never replace your Grandma and what she meant to you and your family.
I have to run, other wise I'd love to have gone through more reasons why you have less things to hate, but email me some time and take it easy [if you can], and *big hug*
-Hope
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