Friday, January 20, 2006
Afraid
I just don't know what to say. There are so many emotions crowding in right now, I don't know which is which. I'm just so stressed from waiting. Waiting for that phone call that I know is going to come...eventually. Waiting for that phone call that's going to come anyday, trying to prepare myself for tomorrow...and I don't know how. I don't know how much longer I can wait. I have such horrible dreams at night that I don't want to sleep. Everytime I close my eyes, it's another nightmare about her dying. A lot of the time, I don't even remember, I just wake up and I'm so scared that I know that's what I was dreaming about. I'm so tired. And drained. And I'm so scared. I don't want her to die, and I can't do anything about it. I can't stop it. And I would give anything if I could. And she's in the hospital, all alone, and she doesn't want to be there. When she's awake and the morphine isn't making her hallucinate, that is. When I went to see her last weekend, you could hear the tears in her voice. I want her to be able to come home. I want her not to suffer anymore. And I don't want her to die. I've never imagined living without her. She was supposed to be the strong one. She was supposed to see her great-grandchildren be born. She was supposed to be there at my wedding. She was supposed to be able to watch me finish growing up. And I'm trying so hard to be brave for everyone. Everytime my mum starts talking about it, I make sure I don't cry, because we're not supposed to cry. We're supposed to be strong. But I'm not. I'm so afraid. I don't know how to be strong. I don't want to be the one that's supposed to be strong for my family anymore. I just want someone to hold me and tell me it's all going to be okay. But they can't, because it's not. It's never going to be okay, and there isn't anyone to hold me because everyone else is either trying to be strong themselves, or they're already falling apart. And I'm so afraid. I just don't know what to do anymore. And my other grandpa is really sick, and if he doesn't get a by-pass operation, he only has a few more months to live. Everything is just falling apart and I don't know how to keep it together. I just don't know anymore.
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1 comment:
I know it's hard and my thoughts are with you and your family. It's good that you're not bottling up your emotions though. I think that it takes a stronger person to admit that they're afraid instead of pretending that nothing is wrong. In all seriousness, I don't think that any one in your position would know how to keep it together- but you're doing a damn good job of it. If you need to cry on someone's sholder, Clare and Rabe are always there [and you can send me emails and stuff and I'll more than be supportive in any way that I can]. I wish I could do it in person, but the best that I can do is give you a cyber *BIG HUG*, and hope that it's good enough for now.
-Hope
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