The Flu of DEATH

I have been attacked by the flu of death. And Skulk. Hence the lack of updation. Basically, I killed myself for Skulk by collecting pennies and staying up all night Tuesday so that I could take my ice shift and Rachel's ice shift and do my homework, and then came down with my sickness. Along with my entire floor. And I haven't been to school since Wednesday afternoon, meaning I've missed a lot of classes. Including a lab that my lab report is based on. Great. And now I'm home (in the Fort) trying to ignore the fact that I feel like I'm dying so that I can get my homework done as well as all the other crap I usually do on the weekends. *sigh* And I was so rudely awoken at 9 this morning by my mother for god knows what reason. I was far too tired to be coherent. *sigh* I thought being here would be more helpful, but it's not. Crap on toast.

Mare is a procrastinator.

I have so much I have to do today. I was too tired to get much done yesturday, which means I have a mountain of homework to get done today. Oh Mare, why do you procrastinate so? I wanted to go to church, but we'll have to see how much gets done. Siobhan and I spent a couple of hours last night painting our skulk flag. Dan drew the design, and Siobhan did most of the painting, I just helped paint the letters and the stars. It looks aight.

My mum called me last night, mostly to tell me she wouldn't be emailing me for a few days becuase daddy's updating the computer which involves something with the motherboard. Really, I wasn't listening and I don't know anything about computers, so I don't know what's going on. She also updated me about grandma and hinted at me to come home. Grandma was supposed to come home sometime this week, but Dr Stecyk is keeping her in the hospital until she's more stable. Which means she's not coming home. And she didn't want to die in the hospital. She wanted to be in her own bed. But they've doubled her morphine, so she isn't awake very often. And even when she is, she's only awake for a few minutes and she can't really talk. So there's no point in my going home anytime soon. I know mum wants me to, but I don't think I can handle her constant talking at me about grandma and her crying and everything. And so I just wait here for the inevitable, and try to be as normal as possible. Because really, crying doesn't help anything. And why should I subject everyone else to my emotions when they shouldn't have to deal with them?

But anyways, I really have to get working. I hate homework.

Afraid

I just don't know what to say. There are so many emotions crowding in right now, I don't know which is which. I'm just so stressed from waiting. Waiting for that phone call that I know is going to come...eventually. Waiting for that phone call that's going to come anyday, trying to prepare myself for tomorrow...and I don't know how. I don't know how much longer I can wait. I have such horrible dreams at night that I don't want to sleep. Everytime I close my eyes, it's another nightmare about her dying. A lot of the time, I don't even remember, I just wake up and I'm so scared that I know that's what I was dreaming about. I'm so tired. And drained. And I'm so scared. I don't want her to die, and I can't do anything about it. I can't stop it. And I would give anything if I could. And she's in the hospital, all alone, and she doesn't want to be there. When she's awake and the morphine isn't making her hallucinate, that is. When I went to see her last weekend, you could hear the tears in her voice. I want her to be able to come home. I want her not to suffer anymore. And I don't want her to die. I've never imagined living without her. She was supposed to be the strong one. She was supposed to see her great-grandchildren be born. She was supposed to be there at my wedding. She was supposed to be able to watch me finish growing up. And I'm trying so hard to be brave for everyone. Everytime my mum starts talking about it, I make sure I don't cry, because we're not supposed to cry. We're supposed to be strong. But I'm not. I'm so afraid. I don't know how to be strong. I don't want to be the one that's supposed to be strong for my family anymore. I just want someone to hold me and tell me it's all going to be okay. But they can't, because it's not. It's never going to be okay, and there isn't anyone to hold me because everyone else is either trying to be strong themselves, or they're already falling apart. And I'm so afraid. I just don't know what to do anymore. And my other grandpa is really sick, and if he doesn't get a by-pass operation, he only has a few more months to live. Everything is just falling apart and I don't know how to keep it together. I just don't know anymore.

The Boring Life of Mare

What can I say? I lead a very lacklustre life, but I shall tell you all about it anyway. Because I know you're dying for me to tell you.

So this weekend was pretty vexing on a number of levels. Choir was sectionals, which no one ever likes, but I would like to point out that not once did I hear Vibralto Girl use her vibralto. I think she may have had a near-death experience over the break and realized that her singing sucked. Well, one can hope. I went home over-night, which caused it's own brand of annoyance. Cheyenne was over on Sunday and my mum always babys her, which just sets my teeth on edge. And I had to do homework, and then I went and visted my grandma in the hospital for 15 minutes. So, kinda boring.

Yesturday I had a thoroughly discuting "pita" which I shall now describe in great detail. First of all, it wasn't a pita, it was a wrap. And it wasn't chicken ceasar, it was an unidentified substance posing as chicken and spinach posing as salad. And then it had this great hunk of processed cheddar cheese. AND THEN, to add insult to injury, they heated it up in the microwave (wrapped in plastic, I might add, which melted together so I couldn't find a way to open it nicely) which wilted the "salad" and heated up the "ceasar salad dressing" and melted the processed cheese. So, really, it was a discusting mass of grossness. *shudder*. SO unpleasant.

And then today, in History, I had to sit for three straight hours behind this guy who, I'm sure, has never, in the course of his 30-ish years, learned just exactly what "bathing" entails. Mainly, I think he's had problems understanding the soap and shampoo aspect. He smelled SO bad. Next class, I am moving. Full stop.

Anywho, I have to finish Spanish. And read for English...oh who am I kidding? I never read for English....and yet got an A- on my midterm! BOO-YAH!

You Can Take The Girl Out Of The Honky-Tonk...

Last night was The Night, the night we went to Cook County. It was SO much fun. Seriously, it's my kind of bar. It was cold having to stand outside for what seemed like ages before we got in, but it was definitely worth it. I rode the bull. That's right, I rode The Bull. And let me tell you, I was scared shitless once I saw how big it actually was. But you know, once you got on there, it wasn't so bad. I literally had to climb on top of the bull because it was so big, and then the guy strapped my hand in and was all "this is how you hold onto the rope, when the bull goes forward, you lean back. When the bull goes back, you lean forward. Keep your arm at shoulder hight and your heels in. Any questions?", and seriously did not blink the entire time. And then once the bull started, I was so scared I was going to fall off, I swear I almost wet myself. lol. Okay, not really. And then Adam and Dan were shouting "ride it like it's a British boy" and "pretend it's Mark" or something to that effect. Which made me laugh. And then I went sailing head over teacup. Really, it was quite fun.

And then I went and danced on the dance floor a few times with everyone, and of course for the Cadillac Ranch, but no two-stepping for Mare. Apparently I wasn't attractive enough to be asked to dance, which is just as well anyways as I don't know how to two-step lol. But I did go dance on top of the bar, which was ridiculously fun, and I ended up grinding with some girl on the bar that all of a sudden started dancing with me. It was all good. And then on my way back to get a drink, some guy tried to pick me up by giving me eyes and motioning me to come dance with him and his male dance partner. And you know, as attractive as that was, I just had to decline as I was really very thirsty. lol.

And then on the walk home, Dana and I were whistled at and cat called a few times, and some drunk guy tried to pick Dana up, so really, it was a fun evening.

After all, who doesn't like being hit on by random drunk guys in bars who are singing loudly and off key while doing pelvic thrusts in their general direction?

Adventures in the ER

Classes have been pretty good so far. I think I'll like them all a lot. My History teacher seems really nice. She's from Siberia, how cool is that?

So last night I ended up having to go to the emerg because my kidneys were killing me. The waiting wasn't bad because Jamie, Rachel, and Mark were there, and it was fun watching all the babies. Then this guy came in with a head trauma, and they made him wait with everyone else, with like, blood all over his face and the back of his head, and his hair dyed red from all the blood. I thought he should have gotten that looked at sooner, but I guess not. And then Mark and Jamie were discussing the pronounciation of "estrogen". Mark says we all say it wrong, and it's "EAST-row-gin", so Jamie asked "what about westrogen?", and the guy sitting near us started snickering at us. lol. Anyway, long story short, they gave me a couple perscriptions and sent me home. We were there for like, 4.5 hours or so. Only bad thing is, one of the drugs they gave me makes me sick, but I don't have to take it for very long, so it's all good.

Anywho, I shall be off to do something more productive with my time...perhaps my homework.

Mare + Alcohol = The Weekend

So Friday night was aight. Adam came back trashed from Duke's at like, 10pm, so we watched tv while Dana sat on the floor and fixed up her skis. I was in bed by midnight, what can I say?

Saturday was much more fun. More people came back and we sat on the couch in front of the tv for the entire day. It was pretty hot. And then Andrew came up and started handing out beers so I grabbed one. Adam was completely drunk by this time, so I stole another beer later after andrew gave the rest of the beers to adam and I finished off Dana's. But then Jamie took my beer away and dumped it down the drain, but we went to Dukes later anyway to play quarters, so I got a cooler there. The incredibly sad part is that I was rather drunk off of two and a bit beers. So sad. And then I opted out half way through quarters and sat and talked to Creepy Dave & Co., which was a mistake as he kept looking at my chest and suggested I dance on top of the table. And I "didn't have to take my clothes of or anything", and he would "dance with me if [I] wanted"...ya, creepy. And then Mark and Jamie escorted me home. I was sober by like, 1am, so it was all good.

We spontaneously decided to go out to the bar last night, so a bunch of us jumped on an LRT to City Centre, but the Rose and Crown was closed, so we followed some homeless guy who kept asking us for money to the Sherlock Holmes, which was kind of shady. And Siobhan bought me a drink, so it was all good. Mark and I left early so we could catch the LRT before it closed, and everyone else walked home later. So all in all, it was a good day/weekend.

And that has been a Post from the Blog of Mare.

Home, Sweet Home

I'm back at res and feelin' fine! Ok, well not "fine" per se, but it's nice to be home. Don't really have anything interesting to say. I spent the day with my mum, so not much to tell there. So really, the point of this post is to say "I'm back". And I've said it. So there.

Another Day, Another Ramble

Do you ever feel like you're not who you're supposed to be? I get that feeling a lot. Like, I'm meant to be different. Not a different person per se, but like I didn't turn out how my parents meant me to be. Like I was supposed to be this good little Catholic girl who always said her prayers and graduated from the stupid Catholic school at the top of her class. And I'm not, and I didn't. And you know, I really kind of feel bad about that. I mean, they only got me, they don't have anyone else to be proud of if I screw up. Not that it really matters anymore, as I've screwed up sufficiently many times that I'm sure they don't expect anything anymore. I mean good lord, they were happy with my C in economics. A C! A few years ago, that would have been death. I suppose I should thank IB for getting my parents used to me doing badly.

But anyway, enough of that. I went shopping this afternoon and bought myself three rather ugly dress shirts. But whatcha gonna do? I find most dress shirts ugly, so these probably aren't all that bad in reality, I just like to exaggerate. Anywho, off to think about making dinner.

New Year's At Evans

Last night was actually really fun. I met a whole bunch of new people, but as they were really friendly, it really wasn't awkward at all. Mark and I split a bottle of Sourpuss, and I would like to say that I was not drunk. Suprisingly, actually, as I'm a rather cheap drunk.

After having sex in the front seat of his girlfriend's car, Shane so kindly regaled us with the details of just why you shouldn't have sex in a car when you're drunk. Rather un-needed, disturbing details. lol. But it was all good fun.

And as we slept over, we didn't get home until like, lunch, and spent the rest of the day watching movies and randomly falling asleep (we didn't get much sleep last night).

Really, I haven't anything interesting to say, so you all shall have to comment with far more interesting stories. So there!