Thursday, February 24, 2005
and so
And so I was just sitting here, eating my frozen yoghurt (once again straight out of the container), and reflecting on life. And when I say life, I mean school because really, I have no life. I don't even have a semblance of a life. I don't even have the appearane of a life. I am worse than Nora, because at least she had the appearance of a life, even if she was a doll. And it's not like I 'miss' my life, because I've never really had one (rather pathetic, but I always have been), but I still at least had time to spend with friends if I wanted to. I don't know if I have time to spend with my friends anymore. And even if I do, I fell guilty. In fact, I feel guilty right now because I have not yet done any homework. I feel guilty that I feel guilty about spending time with my friends because I should be doing homework, but I feel guilty that I feel guilty about doing my homework when I haven't spent time with my friends. It's just an endless cycle of guilt. I haven't seen Evan since...oh beginning of December I guess. And every time he wants to do something, my response is that I have too much homework. You know, if I was Evan, I would think I was being blown off. And the really sad part is, I really really want to spend time with him. However, homework doth beckon and I hurry thither. Though it be madness, yet there is method to it. Is it weird that I'm so attached to Evan? If it isn't (and perhaps even if it is) is it odd that, even though we're so close, I know nothing about Carleen besides the fact that she is beautiful, and he knows nothing about Mark? I used to tell him everything. But now...now I hardly ever talk to him. You know, I told myself this would never happen, that no matter what, I would always keep in constant contact with him. Somehow, I seem to have lost that. I'm a horrible friend. He is the one person that knows the most about me and still loves me after every stupid thing I've done, yet I never seem to find the time to even take a few minutes out of my day to call him. It's even gotten to the point where phone calls are starting to be awkward because we have such separate lives that its hard to find common ground. One day, I'm going to look back and kick myself for letting everything go. I mean, I certainly will never regret coming to Sal, even if I get no sleep and have no life, but sometimes I wonder what would have happened it I had have stayed. lol. Stupid to wonder, I know, but I do sometimes. Oh god, I swear I'm not drunk. lol. Wow this blog has become my diary. Anywho...I guess I had best be off. I still have to phone RABE!
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1 comment:
No worries Mare...in fact, I always think about what could have been if I'd stayed at JPII. On whole, I think that it's better that I decided to come to Sal, but I still wonder...plus, no worries about Evan...it's UBER hard keeping in touch with old friends. For example, I hardly ever talk to Lara...which is really my fault...and I should be keeping in constant contact with her to make sure that she's doing okay...at any rate, I don't think that things will fall apart with you and Evan. Sometimes stuff just goes through wierd phases...last year it used to be sooooo awkward talking with Lara, just because it had been so long since I really talked to her. Our phone calls would consist of weird moments of silence or stupid small talk...but now, even if we only talk once every few monthes, we can usually pick things up. Unfortunately homework SUCKS TO THE MAX ( I say we rebel against IB and burn down the IBEX offices in New York or wherever they are...grrr...just look for the sign that says "Hell on earth")...but, soon enough, it will be the end of May and you'll have lots of time to hang out with Evan. Once IB exams are over, it'll be fine, we can relax, and hopefully hang out with friends...WOOOT! I say we plan a mad series of parties or something...maybe we can conspire on teacher presents or something like that...I dunno...at any rate, it will be good...just a few more monthes and it's all over!
~Clare
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