For Old Time's Sake

"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else." - Woody Allen

Its been a long time. Too long? Not long enough? I'm not reviving this poor, long-dead blog, but I need a place to let my feelings out. And you won't judge me. At least not to my face, which is really what counts.

He has a girlfriend. It's been over two years, how can it possibly hurt this much? Never in my wildest dreams or worst nightmares did I ever believe I would grow up to love two men who defined my life, not only by loving me, but by making me see myself for who I really am. I never thought I would grow up to hate the woman I have become.

But I have.

I hate that I am full of broken places. I hate that I am in love with a man who will never love me back. I hate that I ruined a relationship that I wanted to last until the day I died. I hate that I have no direction for my life. I hate all of my insecurities and I hate that I am too afraid to let them go. I hate that I feel good enough only to be used by others. And I hate that I don't know how to define my own life, and so have let the men in my life define it for me.

I wish I could find a way back to being happy. I wish I could be as happy as I was the day I moved in with him, when I thought that my life was finally going to be the way I wanted it to be. I wish I could be confident that I can live without him.

And then again maybe I'm just playing the victim. Maybe I still don't know what love really means. And maybe I'll always be too afraid to find out.