I think breaking it off with Mark was the hardest thing I've ever done, and I never want to ever do something like that again. There were several reasons, most of which I don't really want to put down here. Suffice to say that I'm a horrible person and will probably feel guilty for the rest of my life. But I did what I thought was best for me, and I can't regret that. And a part of me will always love Mark, although it will never be in the way that he deserves.
But life is what you make it right? And so far I've made quite the mess of it, but perhaps I'll pick up the pieces a little better this time. After I'm done crying over them, that is.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Monday, July 24, 2006
Imperfection at its finest
You know, I realize that I am about as far from perfect as it is possible to get. I know I go on about my high ideals and unreachable expectations, and then turn around and do the opposite. I realize that I am hypocritical and unreasonable and hold people to higher standards than they can achieve.
I also hold myself to those expections, though. And I am ten times harder on myself when I fail than I am on other people. It may not look it, but I do try to do my best at all times. I know I will never be perfect, but I will never stop putting pressure on myself to try harder, because I know what I am capable of achieving and I will never be happy with less than 100% of my effort. You may not approve, but I don't care, because it is what I think of myself that counts.
And I will never be happy with less than my best.
"Try as hard as we may for perfection, the net result of our labours is an amazing variety of imperfectness. We are surprised at our own versatility in being able to fail in so many different ways." - Samuel McChord Crothers
I also hold myself to those expections, though. And I am ten times harder on myself when I fail than I am on other people. It may not look it, but I do try to do my best at all times. I know I will never be perfect, but I will never stop putting pressure on myself to try harder, because I know what I am capable of achieving and I will never be happy with less than 100% of my effort. You may not approve, but I don't care, because it is what I think of myself that counts.
And I will never be happy with less than my best.
"Try as hard as we may for perfection, the net result of our labours is an amazing variety of imperfectness. We are surprised at our own versatility in being able to fail in so many different ways." - Samuel McChord Crothers
Friday, July 21, 2006
The End.
Thus ends the crappy week at Job #1. Seriously, if next week is not better, there will be several people missing appendages. I am that annoyed. And if I ever see that old, creepy guy again, he will be missing a certain part of his anatomy that I'm sure he would rather keep. Not that he was particularly bad, but I was in no mood for it today. He came driving up, I did my spiel, and then he was all "hey, you're cute". I thought "get the hell off my construction site, you creepy bastard", but instead said "okay, you have a nice day". Look at that control. How admirable.
I think I shall become one of those people who downs a beer when they get home from work every night. Or, in my case (since I hate beer), a vodka something. Ooohhhh, that would be heaven. No wonder people become alcoholics. Alright people, get me ready for AA, because by the end of working to pay off uni, I'm going to need it.
"Alcohol is a very necessary article... It makes life bearable to millions of people who could not endure their existence if they were quite sober." - George Bernard Shaw
I think I shall become one of those people who downs a beer when they get home from work every night. Or, in my case (since I hate beer), a vodka something. Ooohhhh, that would be heaven. No wonder people become alcoholics. Alright people, get me ready for AA, because by the end of working to pay off uni, I'm going to need it.
"Alcohol is a very necessary article... It makes life bearable to millions of people who could not endure their existence if they were quite sober." - George Bernard Shaw
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Bad Day?
Join the club. Hate working? Me too. We should make up t-shirts. And have a slogan. And a secret handshake. You know, all that dumb stuff clubs have.
Today was particularly terrible, but I don't think I want to share about that. There would be some choice words said, and on the remote chance that someone stumbles over this (ya, like that's going to happen), I don't think it would be a good idea to be maligning my boss/crew/random people. Well...by name anyway.
So...let's see...work sucks ... other work sucks because I hate working...as per usual my personal life is in ruins because I'm completely inept and uncapable of saying what I really want for fear of hurting everyone else...I talk to to pretty much no one other than the people I work with and my parents (althought that is by my own choice/laziness, I suppose)...so ya. My life pretty much still sucks. But hey, I'm making money, so who cares, right?
"Death destroys a man, but the idea of death saves him" - Anatole France
Today was particularly terrible, but I don't think I want to share about that. There would be some choice words said, and on the remote chance that someone stumbles over this (ya, like that's going to happen), I don't think it would be a good idea to be maligning my boss/crew/random people. Well...by name anyway.
So...let's see...work sucks ... other work sucks because I hate working...as per usual my personal life is in ruins because I'm completely inept and uncapable of saying what I really want for fear of hurting everyone else...I talk to to pretty much no one other than the people I work with and my parents (althought that is by my own choice/laziness, I suppose)...so ya. My life pretty much still sucks. But hey, I'm making money, so who cares, right?
"Death destroys a man, but the idea of death saves him" - Anatole France
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Cowboy-up
I have heard that more often than I care to count from my dad over the years. No joke, I've literally been told to "cowboy-up" and get over whatever I'm whining about. I was told just the other week, in fact.
But you know what, I'm tired of Cowboying-up. No matter how much I lie to myself, I honest-to-God hate my life. And pretty much always have, despite the fact that, in reality, I've never had all that much to complain about. But I'm going to complain anyway because this is my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want.
And I hate the fact that I have to work two jobs in order to pay for uni. I hate that I need to go to uni in order to have some remote chance of getting a better job than the two I have now. I hate that my grandpa is dating women so soon after my grandma died, and I hate that he's moving out of the last house that I have memories of her in, into a dumb condo where nothing will have that familiarity and sentiments attached. I hate that I now feel awkward around Evan. I hate that I have no free time. I hate that I hardly sleep. I hate that I starve myself because I want to be thin. I hate that I regularly avoid looking in the mirror. I hate being this far away from Siobhan, because she is one of two people that completely understand me and my decisions and love me anyway, even though I definitely don't deserve it. I hate feeling older than most people in my age-group. I hate that I have rediculously high expectations, yet feel hurt when people don't live up to them. I hate that it is no longer possible for me to close my eyes and make the world go away. And I truly wish that it would. I hate that I regularly wish to fall asleep and never wake up. And I hate that I see so many flaws in myself, yet do almost nothing to fix them. In short, I hate my life, and wish I could somehow escape.
But no such luck.
Two and a half years today. That's a rather long time.
But you know what, I'm tired of Cowboying-up. No matter how much I lie to myself, I honest-to-God hate my life. And pretty much always have, despite the fact that, in reality, I've never had all that much to complain about. But I'm going to complain anyway because this is my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want.
And I hate the fact that I have to work two jobs in order to pay for uni. I hate that I need to go to uni in order to have some remote chance of getting a better job than the two I have now. I hate that my grandpa is dating women so soon after my grandma died, and I hate that he's moving out of the last house that I have memories of her in, into a dumb condo where nothing will have that familiarity and sentiments attached. I hate that I now feel awkward around Evan. I hate that I have no free time. I hate that I hardly sleep. I hate that I starve myself because I want to be thin. I hate that I regularly avoid looking in the mirror. I hate being this far away from Siobhan, because she is one of two people that completely understand me and my decisions and love me anyway, even though I definitely don't deserve it. I hate feeling older than most people in my age-group. I hate that I have rediculously high expectations, yet feel hurt when people don't live up to them. I hate that it is no longer possible for me to close my eyes and make the world go away. And I truly wish that it would. I hate that I regularly wish to fall asleep and never wake up. And I hate that I see so many flaws in myself, yet do almost nothing to fix them. In short, I hate my life, and wish I could somehow escape.
But no such luck.
Two and a half years today. That's a rather long time.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
A Long Time
I'm just plain terrible at updating. But really, if you were up at 5am every morning, you would be too. So, what to say...
Friday, I ended up taking my dad into town after work because his truck had been taken in to get fixed and he needed a ride to get it, so Mark and I didn't end up leaving the Park until 6-ish. The ride down wasn't all that bad besides everyone doin between 140 and 160 km/h. So I went 130. And then we missed our turnoff on Deerfoot because the sign is miniscule, so we drove to the turnoff to High River before we realized, hey, there is no HWY 1 down here and had to turn around. So we were a bit late to Siobhan's. But the weekend was really fun, and I got to meet Mike and Brady and Jessica, and Jamie came up for the day. So basically, Medicine Hat = fun. The drive back was a bit better, but my air conditioning created a lake in the passenger seat, so that was annoying to clean up once I got home.
And then back to work yesturday. It was far too hot, but one of our leadhands (we have two this week) let us go home an hour early because we finished quickly, so that was really nice.
And that's really all there is to say. I'm back to my routine, I can't wait to see Siobhan in the fall, and I wish I could have stayed down there for a month. But such is life. Suck it up, princess.
Friday, I ended up taking my dad into town after work because his truck had been taken in to get fixed and he needed a ride to get it, so Mark and I didn't end up leaving the Park until 6-ish. The ride down wasn't all that bad besides everyone doin between 140 and 160 km/h. So I went 130. And then we missed our turnoff on Deerfoot because the sign is miniscule, so we drove to the turnoff to High River before we realized, hey, there is no HWY 1 down here and had to turn around. So we were a bit late to Siobhan's. But the weekend was really fun, and I got to meet Mike and Brady and Jessica, and Jamie came up for the day. So basically, Medicine Hat = fun. The drive back was a bit better, but my air conditioning created a lake in the passenger seat, so that was annoying to clean up once I got home.
And then back to work yesturday. It was far too hot, but one of our leadhands (we have two this week) let us go home an hour early because we finished quickly, so that was really nice.
And that's really all there is to say. I'm back to my routine, I can't wait to see Siobhan in the fall, and I wish I could have stayed down there for a month. But such is life. Suck it up, princess.
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